The Baseball Metaphor

We're all familiar with the old baseball metaphor when it comes to dating, right? I assume we all are, though honestly, until a few months ago, I only knew what First Base and a Home Run were. I did some research to see what Second and Third bases were and, in case you're a good Mormon kid like me, I wouldn't recommend doing the same if I were you -- because reading the descriptions of what happens once you turn past First can be violating if you find them in the wrong place!

When first I found out what those other two bases were, however, I realized that this baseball game is on a terribly skewed playing field. I decided to take some time at work to do a quick computer sketch of the Dating Baseball Diamond (or "Fornication Stadium") , based on the world's definitions and what I think is the perspective of the average LDS dater:


This isn't a perfect representation, but note that, due to the new running pattern, the batter has to basically knock the pitcher over once he hits the ball!

I'll now attempt to explain the representation without making my mother blush (which might actually take some doing):

Home Plate: In the actual game of baseball, this position is already an enigma in that it represents the beginning AND the end of the player's journey. In the dating game, Home Plate is first a starting point, where the player swings and misses more often than he hits. He can't proceed to First Base until he "hits it off" with someone (finds someone with mutual interest).

Conversely, at the end of the running Home Base represents all-out adultery. The fact that this is a goal in the world's eye is depressing, but the purpose of this post is not to literally lecture on the downhill spiral of contemporary dating standards.

First Base: This represents a kiss, innocent and simple enough. The distance between Home Plate and First Base represents the myriad of things that must happen before that kiss happens: once interest is established (and running begins), dates happen, hands are held, cuddling occurs, etc. It's understandable that there's some ground to be covered before real physicality is introduced to the game/relationship.

Second Base: Okay, THIS is where the metaphor stops working. In the world's definition, this means that petting has begun when the runner reaches this point. PETTING.

Does anyone else see the problem here? What happened to all the other steps between First and Second Bases? If this base is truly what I've read it to be, then there should be SEVERAL bases in between! Ethics of dating standards aside, shouldn't a French kiss have its own base somewhere in the middle there, followed by an all-out make-out session?

In the above representation I have adjusted by placing a large distance between First and Second Bases, the gap representing the process that should occur before any couple even gets to that point. In fact, if I were to re-draw this facsimile I would make the distance from First to Second much larger than the distance from Home to First.

Third Base: Without going into too much detail, this is basically Second Base with greater intensity. I find it silly that this even gets its own base given the large gap between First and Second, since to me this is a very logical "next step" in the lusty list of temptations. I don't think it takes long at all to go from Second to Third.

Home Plate: Back where he started physically, but metaphysically the player is in a completely different stadium, where the grass is dead and there are pot holes all over the field, and the stands are filled with Hollywood producers. I think once you've reached Third Base there really is only one more step to take, thus another short distance between plates.

This explains why so many Church leaders caution against going past First Base. Once you're on your way to Second, you're so close to making it all the way Home that the playing field has been perverted.

I hope my drawing properly conveys why this analogy just doesn't work for me. It doesn't make sense that second and third bases would be the logical "next step" in any relationship when the playing field should look like THIS if the plates are labeled in such a manner.

And I'm kind of scared about what sort of Google searches my blog is going to show up in now.